Remembering --

Gus would have been 85 today.

Hold your loved ones close.

Cherish every moment you have with them.

Tell them you love them every day.

On The Road Again?

 

I've been traveling virtually with Butch! 

As he delivers huge manufactured homes to their waiting owners.

Never leaving my seat at my computer, 

 Across and back Cali (as he calls it) 

Near the Mexican border, Malibu, Havasu, 

At the ocean shore, up in the mountains 

Spectacular views

Almost as if I was his co pilot, riding shotgun as it were.

On Skype, we laugh, we commiserate together on the state of our democracy

I cry when I share stories of his Dad with him.

Without his companionship, his love, I'd be lost.

Always, just like Carol, there when grief suddenly overwhelms me--

Always, just like Carol, there to celebrate my virtual travels with Third Act too.

  

 

 And I've been in the northwoods of Wisconsin too, thanks to Carol.

On Skpe too, and in texts, our sisterhood has never been stronger

Her wisdom, her always knowing what to say--

When I'm in tears, when I'm frustrated, when I fear I'm unraveling

Is unequaled.

Without her gifts of love and grace, I don't know where I'd be now.

From a Third Act Educators Working Group Call

I've been traveling too with Third Act, 

meeting and welcoming educators across our nation and collaborating with other Third Actors-- 

from Alaska to Florida, California to New York, Florida to Maine (43 states total).  

And I've met, chatted with, laughed with, commiserated with the kindest, compassionate seniors who want to continue to make a difference. 

Those Zoom calls give me hope-- 

that underneath all the noise, the vitriol, and the violence are a massive group of Americans who hope to, plan to, act to, will --

stabilize our democracy and our planet. 

Collaborating with other elders, experienced Americans from across the country is invigorating and fun!

And as I give my all to the Educators Working Group, the National Welcome Calls, and the Google Docs on demand coaching--

I find some comfort 

And on the challenging days, I remind myself that all this is to honor my beloved Gus.

And to be entirely honest, on the road virtually is my preferred mode these days--

For everytime I get into the car

I'm alone

without my co pilot who had been always there with me

ever since I retired in 2004.

And I miss him more (if that's even possible)

His hand on my knee, 

his "ok" when he looked to the right to tell me it was ok to turn,

his choosing which CD -- Three Dog Night, Chuck Mangione

His checking out the forsythia in the spring

American flags coming home from Chardon

Or the Canadian geese in 2 different locations.

Some days I can almost smile and others a tear or two roll down my cheek.

"Grief is surprising.  Not at first, when you are prepared for it to pick you up and slam you against the rocky shore, but later, in a month or two or ten.  Anyone who thinks the shortest distance between two points is a straight line does not understand grief." --Steve Leder The Beauty of What Remains, p 137

Tapestry

 

Listen to excerpt from Carole King-- Tapestry

40 years

The 2 of us

Since my retirement in 2004, it was 24/7

Everywhere together

Tackling projects together

In the kitchen cooking together

Grocery shopping together

In his hospital room following his surgery together 

Each complementing the other

What my shoulders couldn't stand, he did

What his legs wouldn't cooperate for, I did

"Our love is woven
Of a thousand strands—"
-The Dark Night (XVIII) May Sinclair - 1863-1946

An extraordinary tapestry created by those years together

The warp, the weft, the thousand strands--- so inextricably woven, strong and beautiful

"Weaving involves crossing two threads, the warp and the weft, one vertical and the other horizontal, one stretched taut and the other undulating and intertwined with the first. To produce the textile it is necessary for these two threads to be bound, otherwise each will remain a fragile and fluttering potentiality...if the meeting of opposites does not take place, nothing is created, for each element is defined by its opposite and takes its meaning from it."

--Dario Valcarenghi, Kilim History and Symbols, as quoted in
ZATI The Art of Weaving a Life

I think that for us, sometimes he was the warp 
And at others, it was me.  
That only added to the depth and majesty of the weave.

Then he was gone

the "weft interrupted" 
And I wondered on that tapestry
That for my life was still unfinished--

"Kilim or slit weave leaves holes in a way that keeps the fabric strong. It teaches us that where there are places of loss, where the weft is interrupted, and there is a hole in the fabric of our lives, that fabric is still strong.The gap in the fabric becomes an opening through which to see from another perspective. In our woven lives, the empty spaces are the very places where we can see with new eyes, where we can look behind the day-to-day weaving for a moment to see our deeper truths within." From http://www.weavingalife.com/about/weaving/

An opening through which to see from another perspective 

"Isn't that the challenge for all of us who have lost people we love-- to keep them alive, to enable them to speak to us from a measuring cup or a breeze, a smell, a taste, a dream; to let them see life, and to live life through us? ...See it, see it all for them. You who mourn lost loves, let them dwell in the pupils of your eyes, let them live in memory."  p. 205, Leder, The Beauty of What Remains

A blossoming belief that perhaps I can continue the weave on this tapestry in ways not previously considered before, yet one true to his memory and to me. But what?

Encouraged by Carol and Butch, I turned to the web to find out more about weaving itself and how I might engage-- for I had long thought (years ago) I might like to learn to weave. 

To my delight, I discovered The Creativity Patch and Lucy

What a gift as I continued weaving the threads of the new stage of my life and as I began to learn a little about weaving. 

Starting tiny (and I do mean tiny)

Moving up a bit

Sending bookmarks and mug rugs to family members yet always challenged by the selvages

Picking Lucy's brain to graduate to a larger loom and placemats, gradually increasing the difficulty of the weave. 

Seeing through another perspective-- 

Looking out through my window on the world now 

With him always with me, living in memory

That window on the world often dismaying me 

As the hate, the violence, the polarization

Continues to tear the fabric of our nation

And Carol, in one of our conversations on weaving and the state of our nation, points me to We Are Weavers, a group founded by David Brooks,

"But Weavers share an ethos that puts relationship over self. We are born into relationships, and the measure of our life is in the quality of our relationships. We precedes me.

They want to live in right relation with others and to serve the community good.

I guess my ask is that you declare your own personal declaration of interdependence and decide to become a Weaver instead of a ripper." 

That idea "we precedes me" and "to serve the community good" speaks to me--
Is that what was missing in my new weaving of the fabric of my, of our lives?

Not one for coincidence

 
A New York Times op ed from Bill McKibben caught my attention

 

Third Act

For those over 60 who want to work together to stabilize the planet and our democracy 

There it was---  "we precedes me" and "to serve the community good"  and more

Thinking together on Elderhood and how that suggests a different perspective

Espousing these working principles

1) Be kind

2) Be humble (a little)

3) Be inclusive—really!

4) Boost others!

5) Take care of yourself

6) Back up the youths!

7) Be generous, but not to a fault!

8) Be accountable

9) Be creative!

10) We’re all in this together

It felt right when I read about it

It feels right now

And I think it adds just the right thread, especially with an educator affinity group collaborating, to this tapestry.

"My life has been a tapestry

Of rich and royal hue

An everlasting vision

Of the ever-changing view"

I'm wondering how that tapestry might grow and change in the coming days, weeks, and months of the weaving threads together?

Seeing through another perspective-- 

Looking out through my window on the world now 

With him always with me, living in memory

The trough

September 22, 2021, the day my life was altered forever

My beloved Gus, husband and soulmate of 40 years, left this life

But for my sister, Carol, who has called every night and sent me myriads of poems and readings via US mail, and Butch, Gus' son, who skypes daily, I think I would be lost, drowned in the trough as Judy Brown so beautifully writes. Carol sent this poem at just the right time I think -- after a really tough day at the 6 month mark.  And yes I do keep count--

Unable to put feelings to words

Chest heavy and hurting

Trying to keep so busy to fill the emptiness (the house is cleaner than it's been in a long time)

Laughing with Carol or Butch and then later sobbing alone

Staying up late enough to just collapse into bed so I could sleep

This image depicts me in the first few months and intermittently now

Grief flickr photo by HerryLawford shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license

And then The Beauty of What Remains --

As I nodded, sometimes smiled, and wept, 

And underlined and turned down corner pages

As Steve Leder's writing spoke to me

I was more able to make that choice, to choose what I remembered

Rather than be haunted by the hard months prior to his death and that night

But the joy, the love, the special times we had -- and those abound

The beauty of what remains

Each day my conversations with Gus

Focus more and more on that

And it seems that perhaps now I realize I am growing around my grief

That I can now write this, and hopefully actually be able to verbalize it soon to Carol and Butch

For that I am grateful--

As Judy writes:

But if we rest there in the trough, in silence, 

being in the low part of the wave, 

keeping our energy and noticing the shape of things, the flow, 

then time alone will bring us to another place where we can see horizon,

see land again, 

regain our sense of where we are, and where we need to swim.

I'm feeling maybe I can see the land again and may be able to regain my sense of where I need to swim--