Resolutions for the New Year from What's Your Grief

 

A new year!

 

"possibilities" flickr photo by Hjem https://flickr.com/photos/hjem/640107776
shared under a Creative Commons (BY-NC-SA 2.0) license

It's a new year

My word for the year is possibility

That seems to be a recurring word over the years

This year it feels even more important with all the travesty and tragedy swirling around us

If I focus on possibilities, perhaps I can, in some small way, make just a bit of difference for the common goood.

And hopefully, I won't neglect this thinking space as I have in the past few years--

LOVE

"All you need is..." flickr photo by Yumi Mariane Momoi https://flickr.com/photos/yuumm/2700535875 shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license

 I have an amazing opportunity to engage in a 27 day practice the Power of Love from Rockwood Institute.

I had no idea that I would be stepping so far out of my comfort zone--

And surprisingly, I have been in tears the last 4 days filled with feelings of inadequacy as I try to build what I perceive a beautiful practice. 

The initial webinar

In all my years, I confess, I've not meditated--

The initial webinar was calming to me and Robert Gass'  kind voice was encouraging

I just knew this was for me-- especially when his message included:

For those of us to want to make a difference in the world and in our own lives, now more than ever we need to be grounded in love.

To refuse to be ruled by fear, but to meet life and its challenges with heart.  

With courage.

To live and act understanding that we are interdependent.

To feel more connected to our hearts, whatever the circumstances.

Yes, I am in the right place.

And then in the email this and I wondered--

We may feel things that are scary or uncomfortable. Our past experiences may have taught us protect our heart. The journey of opening our heart is different for each of us. 

I have realized in these past 4 days that I have protected my heart. When I was asked to remember someone I love, I burst into tears thinking on my Gus. When I tried each day to 

Breathing light and love in. Breathing light out.

Breathing love in. Breathing love out.

Imagine that you are an instrument of love.

Whatever else you do today...

Be an instrument of love.

and I would not feel myself breathing out love around a human or a event, then I feel I've failed, that I'm not the person I thought I was.

And today, when I was more than deeply disappointed in an interaction I surely was not an instrument of love. Why am I so unhinged by all of this? Why am I so fearful? Why do I feel ashamed that my heart is closed? Why do I feel so very vulnerable?

Today, we were asked to write about love

Write about love.

Words of love to whomever/whatever it is that you love.

A love poem to a partner or chosen family member... 

Your child.

Your pet.

Words of love to a teacher, mentor, or special friend.

A love poem to the sky, the trees, the river or the earth.

Words of love to life...

Write about love. 

You might try using the prompt, again and again..

Love is...

Love is...

Love is...

Love is respectful

Love is kind

Love is beautiful

Love is affirming

 

And I hate that for some reason, I am in a really bad space right now-- might that be my heart breaking open?

To Sing at Dawn and Dusk--- celebrating

 This morning this arrived in my inbox -- from a Third Actor. 

It should live in a post here where I can return to it often.

 

Serendipitous -- the unimaginable

"Serendipity" flickr photo by $hrink https://flickr.com/photos/shreyankg/7907443670

shared under a Creative Commons (BY-SA) license

“Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.”

— Mary Oliver, Evidence: Poems

Note: There are way too many "I"s in this post, yet I wanted to be able to remember in years hence how keeping "some room in your heart for the unimaginable" has led me on a joyous journey, dedicated to my Gus.

A hole in my heart and soul, following my beloved Gus' death, I again tried to open myself to possibiltiies. It seemed that had been the story of my life, sensing some barrier like the tree in this image, then open to and embracing the serendipitous, always discovering something unexpected, that extended an invitation.  

And it happened again when I read an OpEd in the New York Times by Bill McKibben about his new adventure in Third Act-- a movement for experienced Americans over 60 determined to change the world for the better.  Such important good work around climate and democracy.

My initial opportunities to contribute as a volunteer were on the Training Team and in the Educators working group.  I kept my head down, was all-in and found that when I was focused on Third Act activities, I just didn't feel my grief. My last post, On the Brink, pondered where in Third Act might I best continue to contribute to honor my Gus. 

And since then, I've traveled an unimaginable, joyous journey as serendipitous opportunities appeared.

Never, never did I imagine--

On March 21,2023, also known as the Day of Action, 3.21.23, being out in the street in downtown Cleveland with a sign protesting Chase bank's investments in fossil fuel expansion with other Third Act Ohio supporters.

Participating in an All-in Call as part of a supporter highight (absolutely scared to death), and awaking 2 days later to find this linked in a newsletter. 

 Having an opportunity to support B in his quest as lead organizer of Third Act to activate and nurture working groups to thrive and create a larger impact around the Third Act mission. Learning when to let things go and to laugh and play just for the fun of it.

Serving now as "national volunteer" and "launch mentor" and meeting "experienced" Americans, who share the same fierce determination to have an impact and who lift up Third Act's working principles. They bring me greater hope, and much joy.

And, thinking there could be nothing better, and yet there was--

Traveling to Minneapolis at Third Act's invitation to meet face to face Third Act Minnesotans and  to be a member of a team presenting in a workshop conference session all about Third Act.

Third Act Minnesota

Workshop at Forging a People Powered Democracy

 All to say--  heart open to the unimaginable-- 

Oh, my what can occur-- 

And beloved, this is for you---

On the brink--

 

"Brink" flickr photo by Tesla314 https://flickr.com/photos/tesla314/3386358229
shared under a Creative Commons (BY-NC-ND) license

Warning: This is what some might call a brain dump-- trying to think through a really tough decision by looking back at where I've been because I'm on the brink again---

Some 60 years ago my father sent this quote to me-- newspaper clipping

Laminated some 40ish years ago, I still have it

And it's been, I think, in a way my life's mantra--

"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.

I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no "brief candle" for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations." ---George Bernard Shaw

At 16, it guided me to be a teacher
And in my first classroom, I thought I had arrived at my destination.

I did discover, however, that throughout my life as I learned more and more that I was always on the brink of something-- usually full of trepidation and always ready to follow a passion.

Leaving home to go to Earlham College
Beginning my teaching career in a large inner city high school
Moving to Ontario to teach in a private Anglican school for girls, Geography 7-12
Returning to the US to continue teaching
Earning a masters degree in curriculum and instruction
Leaving the classroom to support teachers in infusing technology into learning
Writing a $250,000 grant for professional development that was funded
Moving to a new district to design, teach an innovative program for high schoolers wanting to be teachers
Earning National Board Certification
Retiring from the classroom to design online professional development for Ohio teachers for a state agency
Joining Sheryl at Powerful Learning Practice to become a leader in online communities of practice
Designing, facilitating a coaching model for online spaces with an appreciative inquiry foundation
Co authoring a book with Sheryl
Becoming caregiver for my beloved Gus
Learning to navigate this new phase of my life without my soulmate

Leaving this here for me to remember how many times I've been on the brink of a myriad of opportunities that have come my way,
always new possibilities for which I am most grateful (except, of course, for the last two)

and to support me as I consider the brink I'm on again.

Carrying  GB Shaw's words and now Parker Palmer's from On the Brink of Everything,  from the chapter --Living from the inside out and my lived experience with me--

"Be passionate about some part of the natural and/or human world and take risks on its behalf. Clinging to what you already know is the path to an unlived life.

So walk straight into your not-knowing, and take the risk of failing and falling, then getting up to learn again and again.

Take on big jobs worth doing, jobs like the spread of love, peace, and justice. These jobs are not measured by “effectiveness”, but by the standard of “faithfulness” --

Faithfulness to your gifts, to the needs of the world, and to offering your gifts to whatever needs are within your reach."

 I'm on the brink again in Third Act. 

When I filled out the intake form to join as a volunteer, there was a question asking about willingness to lead. I stopped, I left it sit on my computer for a few days; i kept returning to it, wondering I had anything to offer, leaving it, coming back again. Finally, I clicked that box, hoping against hope that I'd done the right thing and clicked "submit".

Amazing opportunities presented themselves, one of which was to serve on the co ordinating committee of one of Third Act's working groups. I joined the first meeting and I was totally intimidated; everyone there but one person had been an academic. 

Thinking my career experience so very different-- always adjusting, resetting, adjusting and moving forward in a different way--

In an urban system,

in principals' offices meeting around tech concerns and being interrupted 5 or 6 times by police bringing students in,

taking time from class to meet with an autistic student "long distance" (he would sit in one corner of a stairwell outside my classroom while I stood in the other),

constantly adjusting and resetting plans for learning experiences that went awry because of failed technology, absentee students, or young people who just needed another way to learn,

video conferencing not working in those early days when it was the only way to connect with my students

Meaning the journey was one of roadblocks and wayfinding and climbing mountains and experiencing the ordinary becoming extraordinary-- as I look back on it, an amazing journey fueled by passion

And it seemed very different from by-laws, strict structures, time for deep discussions that I imagined filled the lives of these folks from academia--

And yet, I hoped that my experiences might be of value as I traveled Third Act's path to push for a fair, stable society and planet.

I truly took Parker Palmer's words to heart:

So walk straight into your not-knowing, and take the risk of failing and falling, then getting up to learn again and again.

Take on big jobs worth doing, jobs like the spread of love, peace, and justice.

I listened, I watched, I learned, I read all that I could for I was truly a newbie to the world of activism and climate change. And I started to contribute -- and collaborate with some of the kindest, smartest people I've known in a long time, maybe ever.  And I've had opportunities and experiences that I never dreamed I would.

And it was a joy. Joy, Third Act will tell you, is essential to our work!

And now --it isn't so much.  Really, some of the stress triggers my deepest grief and yesterday I felt so very sad and empty. And it also afftects me physically; it actually makes me sick.

Carol and Butch are worried about me and wonder if I need to find other outlets for my passion, for the urgency I feel around the mission of Third Act --

as members of the coordinating committee now want to hold back on moving forward, to discuss, and ponder on direction as they are uncomfortable with our resets

and I'm wanting to forge ahead, hopefully engaging those in our working group, hopefully sharing all that I have learned through out my life in the service of others because I believe

These jobs are not measured by “effectiveness”, but by the standard of “faithfulness” --

Faithfulness to your gifts, to the needs of the world, and to offering your gifts to whatever needs are within your reach."

So I am at the brink again--- and I'm torn-- so many other times, it was easier to make a decision

Whether it's my age, or my fidelity to Sheldon and the supporters in the working group-- this is so much harder--

I have ideas on how to move forward, to get back to a place where we all find joy again

And I'm not sure if voicing them will cause others to become more entrenched in their own thinking

I do know that creating norms works and that it seems so appropriate to a group of elders who are volunteers from varying lived experiences--

Or do I just step back and out into other initiatives of Third Act?

At this very moment, I just don't know-- and if the very act of writing this has helped or not --

Remembering --

Gus would have been 85 today.

Hold your loved ones close.

Cherish every moment you have with them.

Tell them you love them every day.