On the brink--

 

"Brink" flickr photo by Tesla314 https://flickr.com/photos/tesla314/3386358229
shared under a Creative Commons (BY-NC-ND) license

Warning: This is what some might call a brain dump-- trying to think through a really tough decision by looking back at where I've been because I'm on the brink again---

Some 60 years ago my father sent this quote to me-- newspaper clipping

Laminated some 40ish years ago, I still have it

And it's been, I think, in a way my life's mantra--

"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.

I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no "brief candle" for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations." ---George Bernard Shaw

At 16, it guided me to be a teacher
And in my first classroom, I thought I had arrived at my destination.

I did discover, however, that throughout my life as I learned more and more that I was always on the brink of something-- usually full of trepidation and always ready to follow a passion.

Leaving home to go to Earlham College
Beginning my teaching career in a large inner city high school
Moving to Ontario to teach in a private Anglican school for girls, Geography 7-12
Returning to the US to continue teaching
Earning a masters degree in curriculum and instruction
Leaving the classroom to support teachers in infusing technology into learning
Writing a $250,000 grant for professional development that was funded
Moving to a new district to design, teach an innovative program for high schoolers wanting to be teachers
Earning National Board Certification
Retiring from the classroom to design online professional development for Ohio teachers for a state agency
Joining Sheryl at Powerful Learning Practice to become a leader in online communities of practice
Designing, facilitating a coaching model for online spaces with an appreciative inquiry foundation
Co authoring a book with Sheryl
Becoming caregiver for my beloved Gus
Learning to navigate this new phase of my life without my soulmate

Leaving this here for me to remember how many times I've been on the brink of a myriad of opportunities that have come my way,
always new possibilities for which I am most grateful (except, of course, for the last two)

and to support me as I consider the brink I'm on again.

Carrying  GB Shaw's words and now Parker Palmer's from On the Brink of Everything,  from the chapter --Living from the inside out and my lived experience with me--

"Be passionate about some part of the natural and/or human world and take risks on its behalf. Clinging to what you already know is the path to an unlived life.

So walk straight into your not-knowing, and take the risk of failing and falling, then getting up to learn again and again.

Take on big jobs worth doing, jobs like the spread of love, peace, and justice. These jobs are not measured by “effectiveness”, but by the standard of “faithfulness” --

Faithfulness to your gifts, to the needs of the world, and to offering your gifts to whatever needs are within your reach."

 I'm on the brink again in Third Act. 

When I filled out the intake form to join as a volunteer, there was a question asking about willingness to lead. I stopped, I left it sit on my computer for a few days; i kept returning to it, wondering I had anything to offer, leaving it, coming back again. Finally, I clicked that box, hoping against hope that I'd done the right thing and clicked "submit".

Amazing opportunities presented themselves, one of which was to serve on the co ordinating committee of one of Third Act's working groups. I joined the first meeting and I was totally intimidated; everyone there but one person had been an academic. 

Thinking my career experience so very different-- always adjusting, resetting, adjusting and moving forward in a different way--

In an urban system,

in principals' offices meeting around tech concerns and being interrupted 5 or 6 times by police bringing students in,

taking time from class to meet with an autistic student "long distance" (he would sit in one corner of a stairwell outside my classroom while I stood in the other),

constantly adjusting and resetting plans for learning experiences that went awry because of failed technology, absentee students, or young people who just needed another way to learn,

video conferencing not working in those early days when it was the only way to connect with my students

Meaning the journey was one of roadblocks and wayfinding and climbing mountains and experiencing the ordinary becoming extraordinary-- as I look back on it, an amazing journey fueled by passion

And it seemed very different from by-laws, strict structures, time for deep discussions that I imagined filled the lives of these folks from academia--

And yet, I hoped that my experiences might be of value as I traveled Third Act's path to push for a fair, stable society and planet.

I truly took Parker Palmer's words to heart:

So walk straight into your not-knowing, and take the risk of failing and falling, then getting up to learn again and again.

Take on big jobs worth doing, jobs like the spread of love, peace, and justice.

I listened, I watched, I learned, I read all that I could for I was truly a newbie to the world of activism and climate change. And I started to contribute -- and collaborate with some of the kindest, smartest people I've known in a long time, maybe ever.  And I've had opportunities and experiences that I never dreamed I would.

And it was a joy. Joy, Third Act will tell you, is essential to our work!

And now --it isn't so much.  Really, some of the stress triggers my deepest grief and yesterday I felt so very sad and empty. And it also afftects me physically; it actually makes me sick.

Carol and Butch are worried about me and wonder if I need to find other outlets for my passion, for the urgency I feel around the mission of Third Act --

as members of the coordinating committee now want to hold back on moving forward, to discuss, and ponder on direction as they are uncomfortable with our resets

and I'm wanting to forge ahead, hopefully engaging those in our working group, hopefully sharing all that I have learned through out my life in the service of others because I believe

These jobs are not measured by “effectiveness”, but by the standard of “faithfulness” --

Faithfulness to your gifts, to the needs of the world, and to offering your gifts to whatever needs are within your reach."

So I am at the brink again--- and I'm torn-- so many other times, it was easier to make a decision

Whether it's my age, or my fidelity to Sheldon and the supporters in the working group-- this is so much harder--

I have ideas on how to move forward, to get back to a place where we all find joy again

And I'm not sure if voicing them will cause others to become more entrenched in their own thinking

I do know that creating norms works and that it seems so appropriate to a group of elders who are volunteers from varying lived experiences--

Or do I just step back and out into other initiatives of Third Act?

At this very moment, I just don't know-- and if the very act of writing this has helped or not --